Fistfull of Cool- by Sgt. Major Fred Castrate
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Fistfull of Cool- by Sgt. Major Fred Castrate |
Archive from : 10/04/06 |
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| If the scene is dead, why are we still talking about it? | ||||||||||||||||
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| Magic Sandwich: What famous man/men would you enjoy sharing a steam bath with? |  Allen, after hanging out with Helen Keller and listening to Pink Floyd. Photo and artwork by Jay Spooner. | |||||||||||||||
| Allen Maxwell: The man I would most like to share a steambath with is none other than Diamond David Lee Roth. The good news is, according to his agent, there is a 99% chance that Roth would like to take a steam bath with me as well. Now it goes without saying, Roth will take a steam bath with anything that moves, provided he is supplied enough white powder to put him in the proper mood. That's just the nature of Roth. Some call it drug addiction...I call it professionalism. | ||||||||||||||||
| MS: If you were an inch tall, what everyday object would freak you out? | ||||||||||||||||
| AM: If I were an inch tall a pencil sharpener would blow my mind. | ||||||||||||||||
| MS: What was your favorite book as a child? | ||||||||||||||||
| AM: As a really young child my favorite book was called "Maxwell Mouse". After all, it had my damn name in it. I also memorized it and astounded the kids in my pre-school class with my "ability" to read | ||||||||||||||||
| MS: Give the punch line to a great dirty joke. | ||||||||||||||||
| AM: ...then the Pope says, "Big Tits". | ||||||||||||||||
| MS: Define concatenation (or what does it sound like it means?) | ||||||||||||||||
| AM: con*cat*en*a*tion: noun: 1. association as friendship 2. ritualistic incantation recited by males before steambathing together 3. the mentioning of a female's mammory glands by a member of the papal authority. | ||||||||||||||||
| MS: What is the last thing you would want a member of law enforcement to ask you? | ||||||||||||||||
| AM: "Lift your bag." This happens in Canada. And they ain't talkin' about the bag of weed they found in your car. | ||||||||||||||||
| MS: You're a bartender; describe one of your "regulars". | ||||||||||||||||
| AM: Okay, so the name of my bar is "The Hosewater". One of my regulars is a thirty year old Armenian male, with big eyes, a distinguished nose, bald head, and a dashing beard. The sleeves on his shirts are always torn since he claims to be "ten degrees hotter than the average human" and he always curses, especially around children (yup, they're in the bar too). He never buys any drinks, but is always stoned. He watches C-span with the sound turned off, drags in a giant amp and guitar and solos endlessly. And I love him. | ||||||||||||||||
 Ummmm...This is Rock the Light: Charles's arm, Dillon, Allen and David Paul at the Distillery. Missing is newbie Justin Pine. Thank God Jay captured THIS moment forever... | MS: Invent a new type of condom. |
| AM: It's called "The Concatenation -- for the discriminating clergyman". | |
| MS: You're doing a large arena tour, describe your stage and backdrop: props, visuals, etc... | |
| AM: Whooo. Let's see. Rock the Light goes on tour in support of our new film, "Rock the Light Goes to College". Behind "Coach" Charles Allbright's drums there is a large basketball court, hoop, as well as a trophy case filled with athletic triumphs.
"Foreign Echange Student" Dillon Von Shredsmore has a mock dorm room filled with regalia from an unidentifiable military background, maps, and a hooka. "Hayseed" Justin Pine (sharing the dorm room) has pictures of the farm back home, FFA awards, and a pet pig. "David Paul" has a twenty foot bong and a T.V. set, tuned either to C-Span or Stargate. "Professor" Allen Maxwell wears a suit, sings behind a podium, and has access to a powerpoint presentation to analyze the literary merits of songs like "Hot Box the Car" "We Are the Priests of the Devil", "I'm Serious" and "Ishtar". Oh yeah, we'll also hire some character actor to play the uptight college Dean. In between songs he'll harass us and threaten to kick us out of school. | |
| MS: I'll provide the answer, you give me the applicable question: I damn near tripped over it. | |
| AM: What did Helen Keller say when she took acid and listened to Pink Floyd? | |
 Here's Allen with Knock Knockers Nicola, Mike and Heather. Photo by Jay Spooner. |
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